James 4 - 13 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16 As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Isaiah 55:9 - As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Interpretation: We are incapable of determining God's thoughts through human reasoning; therefore, we are dependent on divine revelation.

These verses tell me that I can't plan for tomorrow and that I can't even imagine that I can come up with what my tomorrow should even look like.  How depressing.  What am I supposed to do?  How do I deal with topics like:

• Retirement savings
• Emergency savings
• Decision to go back to school or not
• Moving or getting a new job
• Changing my longer-term commitments: girl, friends, family, organization, activities, leadership

When I read through the Bible I get even more confused.  There are some really rich people in there and some really poor.  There are people that gave up everything to follow a calling (but how can we be sure something is that "calling"?) and people that did great things in their positions (jobs).  There are people who are well-learned and those with no education.

I guess I get frustrated at God's creativity.  For, I'd love to just be able to figure things out easy on my own.  I'd like be able to apply analysis and logic to situations in my life and figure out what to do.  But it's not that simple, simply because God doesn't want us bloat with pride by using the abilities he has given us to avoid Him.  So, it's cool in the end that I must go back to Him.  I must not have pre-conceptions of where my future is going that I'm unwilling to release.  I must constantly check-myself.

How do I check myself?  Well, I generally ask myself these questions when coming on a decision.  Of course, I'm not so objective or perfect that I always allow myself to admit the full truth, but it's definitely a start.

• Am I rationalizing/justifying my actions? (Are there excuses or self-assurance with sensical reasons?)
• Am I scared to do it and it is in alignment with God's truths (probably should take the risk)?
• Do I have peace that after (and usually before) that I've acted righteously and in complete and utter humble submission to God?
• Is this good and right?

Does this resonate?

After departing from The University and moving to the Washington D.C. area, I quickly attempted to get involved in a church and small group. However, I wasn’t satisfied with the small group I found, and remembered what Pete told me before leaving - that I should “look to lead.” My good friend and I began a discussion group, which, at first, consisted of friends. I would choose a challenging and unconventional topic to discuss each week, and would present multiple perspectives, whether Christian, secular, or another religion. This went on for a little over a year. I had the opportunity to challenge the beliefs and values of those from whatever world view/religion. There, I had the opportunity to challenge the beliefs and values of people from varying religions and with myriad world views.

I was living out the driving principals of my life - seeking first God’s Kingdom and righteousness. Consequently, I next realized the need for a base where those perusing Christ could be encouraged, live freely, and know that they had a sanctuary to continue to fight the cause of Christ. The Embassy was born in July 2005. It is a house of guys striving to live out their individual call to be “ambassadors” (2 Cor 5:20; We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us…) for Christ to the Washington D.C., area and to the world. One of the guys , a banker, is actively working to bring relief to both Christian and non-Christian Burmese through missions work. He is also working on developing a Congressional Bill for economic sanctions on Burma to end the oppression. I’ve been humbled that God would allow me to watch the lives of my housemates change because of my obedience to follow His call on me to create a refuge for His children in this city. I strive to lead the house by fostering authentic friendship and by challenging the guys to change their world each day. Several of the guys have started up Bible-study-type meetings at their places of employment, and one of these places is known to be openly hostile to the Gospel. In addition to the guys in the house, I also challenge the guys in the small groups I lead to do the same. I have had the pleasure of watching these friends learn God’s truth intellectually and take it into their being, their identity. In only a few short months, one guy went from not caring about God at all to faithfully trusting in all God has for his life. He has also developed a heart for the homeless. I’ve known him to walk by a homeless person on the street on his way to a dinner party and leave mid-party so that he could buy the man clothes and food. He realizes God’s blessing on his life in such a way that he now gives money to a homeless shelter any time he neglects to thank God for each meal he is given. He explains this by saying “If I’m not grateful, I know somebody else will be.”

God has also blessed me with opportunities to live out the passions He has placed within me. I know God has blessed me with the ability to solve business problems with the use of technology – hence my current job of IT consulting. After going on several missions trips, I realized that I wanted to bless people in ways that align with my gifting. God soon gave me an opportunity to do just that. He led me to a lady who wanted to start a small internet café business in Uganda, to provide for the needs of local orphans. The café would serve as a source of revenue for the orphanage as well as a base in the nearby city for the orphans and the organization. The café would provide the children with clothes, food, an education, and hope in God and their future. Not knowing what I was getting myself into, I pursued the opportunity, and two months later I was in Uganda learning, meeting, teaching, developing, and overcoming difficulties.

I will continue to live out the truths of God that have brought me here and look to impact the part of the world that God has entrusted to me. I will remember that obedience is always better than sacrifice and that I’ll never know what is on the other side of obedience, which, I’ve learned, is God’s love language. When I see God and tell Him my life story, I know that it will not be boring, mundane, and comfortable (a.k.a. uninteresting), but will be filled with adventure, heroism, and God’s kingdom brought to this earth. I will “Chase the Lion” and be on the offensive against the principalities of this world (the Evil One). I will find my strength only in defining myself as one who only has value because of Jesus, and for no other reason. I will challenge, ask hard questions, confess, impact the world, live a life of integrity, and bring God’s kingdom to earth while living out my freedom from oppression from society, the church, my family, or anything that hinders me from passionately living out God’s call for my life, today.

The story is told a little like Memento – back to front.

I stand there, amidst friends at a wedding reception party.  My mind recounts some of my experiences throughout the day and I realize something – something I've known for a long time in my head, but very little in my being.  I realize that God has this great plan for me and in that great plan is this amazing intimate relationship with a very special woman.  I come to realize that this desire to date is really a desire for intimacy.  I realize that a beautiful and sweet girl is not enough.  I realize, again, that physical intimacy is never good enough – that the physical (sex) is only a way to celebrate the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy shared between a couple.

Not long before, I am hanging out with friends and a good friend of mine says, with his own girl nearby, "Hey, look at that girl's boobs" to another (single) friend of mine.  My friend's girl was not very happy to hear this – obviously, and she said that he shouldn't be looking at other girls' boobs.  Even though my friend only wanted my other (single) friend to check out the girl, it relayed a message to his own girl – "I look at other girls."  I know my friend would never consider cheating on his girl, but that isn't what is important (as I see it).  He wasn't making his girl feel like she was the only girl for him – there may be other girls he looks at.

Not long before, another good friend left the dancing of the wedding reception to go and sit with his girl and talk to her.  His motive was to make sure that she knew that she is very beautiful, the object of his attention and affection, and his priority.

I wonder how each of these girls views this boyfriend's dedication to them.  I wonder if there is a difference.  I wonder if each of these girls feels incredibly valued by their boy. [In case you don't know, I believe that the man is responsible to ensure that his girl always feels incredibly valued, secure, and esteemed highly – because that is how love plays out.]

Not long before, the best man was giving his toast to the groom and the attendees.
FYI: Personally, I see this time as a time when the best man shares memories, portrays admirable characteristics, discusses why he believes in the marriage of the two, and speaks truth and blessing into their future.

This time was spent sharing a few brief memories of the past and fairly superficial statements about the two of them.  Did he mention anything about the intimacy the two shared?  No.  Did he share what makes them great together?  No.  Did he share anything that called the audience into the relationship?  No.  Maybe, I just have very high expectations of this responsibility, however I also believe that is shared is indicative of how this close friend saw the relationship play out.  If that's the case, where is the depth?

The day before, I felt relieved.  For probably the first time, I felt that God was allowing me to experience in my being what I've thought and struggled with for some time.  I began to feel alignment between what I felt should be done and where my heart was.

The day before, I stood there completely appalled.  This was totally out of character.  This girl that has always been the most considerate and sensitive person I know just lashes out at me over a non-issue.  But, while this was happening, I felt God telling me, "I know this hurts, but you need to experience this."  I was excited and disappointed at the same time.  I was excited because I felt my heart begin to come in line with my head.  I was hurt, because this alignment would likely mean that my relationship with this fantastic girl would dwindle and fade away.

The day before, I sat in God Lab and asked questions that I've been struggling with for far too long.  Do I believe that God has my best interested in mind?  Do I believe that God's way is better than my way?  What is the big deal with dating (and marrying) somebody that doesn't share the same fundamental spiritual beliefs?  How do I come to a place where both my heart and my head (what sounds right and others I respect say is right) are in line?  Why is there this constant struggle and anguish (every-day) between my emotions, what I think is right, what feels good/right, and how God's love and good-plan plays into everything?

After much discussion, I again understood why that it's so incredibly important for me to date and commit myself to somebody with very similar fundamental values and beliefs.  Not only are there differences to overcome throughout the relationship, but the most important thing for me couldn't be shared like I need it to be.  I need to be able to share how God is great, what God is doing in my life, how God relates to everything I do, and have that special girl get excited about these things, encourage me with the truth of God, be able to understand what I'm talking about, and move along with me whole-heartedly in pursuit of God.  These things that I desire so much cannot happen with this girl that has been closely involved in my life for some time.

I realized that evening that this girl and I would never be able to reach the level of intimacy that I would need to share with somebody I date (and then marry).  There would be a plateau because she doesn't get excited about the same things (spiritual) that I do.  I couldn't share things that are so defining about me.  I could count on her to encourage me in the direction I desire to go.

This understanding is very important, but of course, it leaves me scared.  I've never dated a girl that I could share my spiritual excitement with.  So, I've always been scared to let go of a girl so amazing in all other areas because I don't know what life will be like without her.  I'm scared that because this is best I've known that there isn't something better in my future.  I'm scared to trust that God is in control and that his ways are better than my ways.  I'm scared because I've never experienced better, so it's hard to believe that there is better.  I'm scared.  I struggle.  I waver, falafel, and am inconsistent.  (God, I need your guidance.)

The day before, I spent quite some time with this girl.  And, well, one of the things I love most is discussing life, truth, beliefs, spirituality, faith, opinions, etc.  So, after much apprehension, I proposed that we watch a brief Nooma video (009 – Bullhorn).  So, we did and it was great, but I left wondering – where are the tough life questions, those that cause change?  The discussion didn't contain excitement, conviction, passion or those things that I desire to see during a discussion.  On top of that, I believe my primary love language is physical touch.  So, I get distracted easily and tend to the practices of old.  Ultimately, I left that night confused and frustrated.

So today, where does this leave me?  It leaves in a place of understanding and struggle.  I must go forth and seek God first (Matt 6:33).  God has shown in many ways when I have lived my life this way, but now that I've let dating and the desire for a girl get in the way, life has been much less joy-filled.  God is changing me and moving my heart in alignment with what I understand to be truth.  I'm scared to trust God, but I'm excited to rest assured that my future is only going to be much more precious and amazing then the best days of now – of me holding on and attempting to control my life.  I know that giving up is the only way to win.  Why don't I do it?  Why do I want to claim victory rather than give that credit to God?  Why am I so selfish and inconsiderate?  Why, Why, Why?

"Why" doesn't matter; only what I'm going to do with the situation.  And the same goes for you, the reader.  Is there going to be change?  Am I going to believe that God's way is the best way?  Are my thoughts and actions going to demonstrate that?

I was planning to leave either the evening of the 21st or the morning of the 22nd to return to the farm for Christmas.  That morning, I decided I was going to stop trying to do things myself.  I had meant to leave work early each day to work on the Christmas cards, but things just kept coming up.  So, as I prayed that morning about my frustration with the issue, somehow I was able to let go of it.

I left work that evening around 10pm.  I proceeded to go to Michael's and pick up card stock.  I then began to work.  I consolidated my list of receivers, created the front and back of the card, and the envelopes.  I began the printing of the cards and envelopes while working on the text for the inside of each card.  I then printed all of the insides of the cards, and stuffed them into the envelopes.  I then delivered all of the cards to co-workers directly to their desks.  After this, I went home with a large stack of cards in envelopes arriving home at 7:30AM to see Phil finishing breakfast and getting ready for work.  I then proceeded to address and stamp each card.  I finished this a little after 9:30AM.  I then packed my things for the trip to the farm and proceeded back to work because I left my power adapter there.  I stopped by the post office and also returned the excess cards to Michael's.  I was on now beginning the 3.5 hour drive to the farm without any sleep.

After arriving home, I went to dinner with the parents, unpacked, etc.  I went to bed at a reasonable hour of 10pm.  Throughout the entire endeavor, I was consistently realizing God's provision in my life.  I know that it wasn't under my power that I was able to work all day and night and the next day without becoming incredibly tired – that's just not something I can do.  Also, the simple fact that everything went smoothly shows that God was involved.  I've never been able to create Christmas cards in anywhere near 12 hours of time.

Basically, that is the long way of saying that God is good.  I feel like He really enjoys it when we rely on him and not ourselves.  As I've been reading through the history Israel through it's many kings and wars, God consistently blesses battles when the people rely on him and brings curses when the people attempt to overcome in their own strength.  It's the same with me, each time I find myself attempting to accomplish under my own strength I get frustrated and many times fail.  Yet, when I just let go of my ego and pride and all of that self-centeredness for a few moments and rely on God's provisions, things seems to work out.  Hence why my favorite verse is Matt 6:33.

Ok, maybe I'm being a little overdramatic, but let's retrace the events. Life has been full of joy and excitement since I decided to stop trying to run my own life. This was how I knew that God cared, was involved, and wanted the best for me. This sort of feeling had been a constant.

A month ago though, I seemingly lost most of my desires and excitement for many things. The things that I would instantly become exited about were of no interest to me. I was not enjoying being around people. I was not optimistic about the day. I wasn't excited to meet up with people. I wasn't excited to talk about God and his goodness. I didn't care to meet with people, listen to them, or share truth. I had unallocated time where I didn't want to do anything.

As I noticed my free time increasing and my reluctance to do the things that normally excite me, I began to get frustrated. I was frustrated because I was feeling that God was pulling away from me. I was feeling that my life had significant purpose and value and was now abandoned.

I was frustrated and quite angry with myself. Why would God pull away? I had to resolve this frustration with an answer in line with the nature of God. As I read through Judges and Samuel (in the Bible), I began to understand that God pulls away from the ones he loves so that his people will return to him. He passes judgment on our disobedience so that we remember our dependence on him and his goodness. He reprimands for our good.

So, where have I been disobedient? Where am I ignoring God's direction? Where in my life am I driving something between our relationship?

It didn't take long for me to determine my error. This realization came about the time of the Marine Corps Marathon. For some time now, God has prodded me to live out my convictions. I say I stand for integrity; I consistently talk about being 'real'; I imagine myself to be one who is strong to do what is right and best rather than follow selfish desires. But, I find myself lacking significantly.

For quite a long time I have fostered a dating-type relationship with a girl in my life. I have known the entire time that I should not be involved in any sort of romantic relationship with her, but I neglected this rational for many good reasons (at least as I see it). I knew that my actions (and lack of action) was going to lead to hurting both of us because I knew that ultimately we could not pursue a dating relationship. But, my selfish desire for attention, romance, excitement, companionship along with my arrogance prevented me from make the right decision long ago.

Nonetheless, this life frustration was telling me very plainly that I have not been obedient to God's consistent reminders and that he (and I) was getting tired of waiting around for me. So, I decided that I needed to take action, but what?

I brought this up with the guys in The God Lab and I just talked and talked. Somehow that seems to draw out resolution. The more I talked about where things have been, where things are, and why I see this relationship as I problem, it became evident that I needed to simply follow the direct teaching of Jesus.

Matthew 5:29-30

If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Jesus very plainly states that we are rid ourselves of those aspects of our life that cause us to sin. This relationship was plainly an aspect of my life that brought many other evils (which is for another discussion). So, I felt it only appropriate to completely end the relationship. Sounds harsh – and it is – but I had tried the "just bring friends" thing more than once before, only to find myself back in the place I wanted to avoid.

Letting go is hard. Sacrifice is what? Sacrifice: giving up something of value for something of greater value. Of course, she is amazing in many regards and very valuable to me, but priorities exist for a reason. Is my relationship with God more important than any other relationship - no matter how great? Yes, it is. It has to be. I know that a good relationship with God will only bring about good relationships with others. It just seems that there should be some way to resolve this conflict without letting go completely. But, God requires obedience in faith. I trust completely that I am in obedience to God's direction. If I am, then I know that only good can result from this and I wait in excited anticipation of the future.

I also have to trust this is best for her. I know that I have brought hurt and confusion into her life and I trust that these complications will go with me gone. For some reason, it's not too hard for me to trust God with my life, but I do have a hard time trusting God with the lives of others. It isn't easy for me to trust that God is going to take care of her without me around. But God is good and desires good for all. I really have no control over life situations in my own life – much less in her life.

I pray that my actions and mistakes through life do not hurt others.� What do I care about pain and/or suffering of myself for my actions? But God, please do not allow others to hurt because of my many faults.� I accept the consequences for my actions. I trust that you will sustain me through those consequences and restore me - only because you redeem for no good reason.

So, as I wait for life events to move and seek to see God's hand in coincidences I realize that God gives and takes away my passions and desires. He can fill me with excitement or bring me into a depression. He has a purpose and knows what is best at this time to bring me into his will. I don't control anything, I can only response to his promptings.