What does it look like to let go of the stresses of my life?  For me, I am left to wonder about life when circumstances, pain, and uncertainty hit close to home.  When this happens, how do I react?  First, I am frustrated at first that things are out of my control.  I then question God about what is going on - I want to understand; I want to feel like life (a.k.a. God) is fair.  Finally, my God reminds me who He is, His nature, and where I need to be.  It's then up to me to make the decision as to how I will react.

This is my second audio-blog which was recorded on my drive home from the hospital after my mom's surgery.  Enjoy the background music and the noise of the car ride for the 9:32 of this audio-blog.

Audio-blog: I trust you

Ultimately, the one thing I wish to say to everybody is, "be willing to give up everything you hold dear for the sake of Christ."  And, discern those things of God through the following: "Goodness, Rightness, and Beauty."  God is Good and everything I do should be "good."  Everything I do should be "right" or righteous and "seeking first the kingdom of God."  So, things may seem good and be right, but not for a certain time.  An action must have both goodness and righteousness at the time it is to be accomplished.  And then on top of that, God is beautiful and all of us should proliferate His beauty.  One thing I like to say is that, "Truth is elegant."  When I'm attempting to understand God's truths, I shouldn't have to make up complicated conjectures to account of fringe-cases.  I've always been in awe of God when I begin to understand His truths.  I fully expect that all of His truths will cause be to wonder in awe at the beauty of the simplicity.  For if I could grasp His truths and explain every fringecase, I would be in a place where I don't need God.  I know that my God loves me too much to let me do that to myself (run in overconfidence and live without needing Him for everything in my life).

How often do I (we) pray, "God strip me of everything that keeps me from you?"  What if that means he will put you into financial ruin?  What if that means he will take away your job/intellect/school?  What if that means he will leave you physically disfigured?  What if that means you would lose your family/friends?  What if that was (whatever else you think you can't live without or have change in your life)?  Would you still pray?

So, if that's not it, then it's got to be something else.  And as I see it, it's very clear that Jesus simply asks for the man's full identity to be rooted in Him alone.  It wasn't commandments/obedience that were keeping him from eternal life, but it was his security he derived from his status, power, riches, and expected longevity.

This is why I love the gospel. It's always about give up everything; lay it down; forget yourself, your money, your past, your future. Jesus goes on to say only a few verses later "I tell you the truth, no one who has left home or wife or brothers or parents or children for the sake of the kingdom of God will fail to receive many times as much in this age and, in the age to come, eternal life."  Basically, I see Jesus saying that we have to give up things of great value - even things that seem like very good and beneficial things - to fully devote ourselves to him.  (But when?  How?  What does that look like?)

I wonder about the "rich young ruler" some more.  Why didn't Jesus tell him to throw a big event where Jesus could preach?  Or why didn't Jesus say that he should have the man use the money to build a trust and support the church movement?  Or a bunch of other good things that could advance the gospel?  And, I believe it's because this man's security (identity) was wrapped up in his riches.  But, I take it a step further to his achievements.  He had achieved an abundance of money and power at a young age and to give them up was unreasonable [Jesus is generally pretty unreasonable, but somehow the nonsensical lifestyle is always full of adventure, abundance, and joy].  Maybe using them to enhance the kingdom would be reasonable, but I bet the man would just find security in doing what looked good and advanced the reach of the gospel message.  Rather, Jesus cared about His character more than how many Bibles the rich man could distribute (yet another thing derive security/pride).

I see character as what is most important to God throughout the Bible - not achievement of God-type things.  I wonder why Moses wandered for 40 years, why Jacob had to wait 21 years for Rebecca, why Abraham was told to slaughter his only son (whom the promise was to come through), why Joseph was in jail for 7 years, etc.  God could have just given them their goal immediately, but he didn't.  Why is that?

Then, this same God not only wants to develop our character, but he also tests us.  Why does he test us? I wonder.  I mean, God knows everything, it's not like God needs to find out something about us (Does God wonder, "I wonder how he'll handle this?").  So, maybe the only reason for a test is so that we can see our true character plainly.  For when Abraham passed the test to kill his son Isaac, it was counted to him as righteousness (Romans 4:9).  But, God knew Abraham's heart beforehand and what he would do.  But, I bet Abraham doubted himself - if he would actually follow through and fully trust God.  But, after he put his faith and God and saw that God was faithful, how much more confidence does Abraham have in God and himself?

So, Jesus tested Philip with the feeding of the 5000 (John 6:5-15) - He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do (John 6:6). Again, why? So that Philip would see his own lack of faith.  Then we look at Jesus tempted.  I wonder about this at times, for these would have been very tough tests that Satan put before him.  For, Satan basically told Jesus that he could save the whole world from Satan's domination if Jesus would only worship Satan.  Wow, that is exactly Jesus' goal - to save the world.  There is a small nuance difference, but both routes achieve Jesus' goal to save the world.  It's just what is "good and right" as I see it.  There is the "good and right" way to achieve the goal and the seemingly straightforward and immediate way.  Jesus focused on the eternal perspective and knew that immediate gratification (no matter how tempting) is not the way of righteousness (aka God).

Where do I find my identity?  How do I handle seeing the results of the character tests God places before me (both success and failure)?  Am I willing to give up everything to seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousnesses (what is good and right)?  Do I trust him over these things I'd love to find security (money, job, intellect, physical abilities, charisma, health, youth, status, etc.)?

James 4 - 13 Now listen, you who say, "Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money." 14 Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. 15 Instead, you ought to say, "If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that." 16 As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil. 17 Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

Isaiah 55:9 - As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.
Interpretation: We are incapable of determining God's thoughts through human reasoning; therefore, we are dependent on divine revelation.

These verses tell me that I can't plan for tomorrow and that I can't even imagine that I can come up with what my tomorrow should even look like.  How depressing.  What am I supposed to do?  How do I deal with topics like:

• Retirement savings
• Emergency savings
• Decision to go back to school or not
• Moving or getting a new job
• Changing my longer-term commitments: girl, friends, family, organization, activities, leadership

When I read through the Bible I get even more confused.  There are some really rich people in there and some really poor.  There are people that gave up everything to follow a calling (but how can we be sure something is that "calling"?) and people that did great things in their positions (jobs).  There are people who are well-learned and those with no education.

I guess I get frustrated at God's creativity.  For, I'd love to just be able to figure things out easy on my own.  I'd like be able to apply analysis and logic to situations in my life and figure out what to do.  But it's not that simple, simply because God doesn't want us bloat with pride by using the abilities he has given us to avoid Him.  So, it's cool in the end that I must go back to Him.  I must not have pre-conceptions of where my future is going that I'm unwilling to release.  I must constantly check-myself.

How do I check myself?  Well, I generally ask myself these questions when coming on a decision.  Of course, I'm not so objective or perfect that I always allow myself to admit the full truth, but it's definitely a start.

• Am I rationalizing/justifying my actions? (Are there excuses or self-assurance with sensical reasons?)
• Am I scared to do it and it is in alignment with God's truths (probably should take the risk)?
• Do I have peace that after (and usually before) that I've acted righteously and in complete and utter humble submission to God?
• Is this good and right?

Does this resonate?

The story is told a little like Memento – back to front.

I stand there, amidst friends at a wedding reception party.  My mind recounts some of my experiences throughout the day and I realize something – something I've known for a long time in my head, but very little in my being.  I realize that God has this great plan for me and in that great plan is this amazing intimate relationship with a very special woman.  I come to realize that this desire to date is really a desire for intimacy.  I realize that a beautiful and sweet girl is not enough.  I realize, again, that physical intimacy is never good enough – that the physical (sex) is only a way to celebrate the emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy shared between a couple.

Not long before, I am hanging out with friends and a good friend of mine says, with his own girl nearby, "Hey, look at that girl's boobs" to another (single) friend of mine.  My friend's girl was not very happy to hear this – obviously, and she said that he shouldn't be looking at other girls' boobs.  Even though my friend only wanted my other (single) friend to check out the girl, it relayed a message to his own girl – "I look at other girls."  I know my friend would never consider cheating on his girl, but that isn't what is important (as I see it).  He wasn't making his girl feel like she was the only girl for him – there may be other girls he looks at.

Not long before, another good friend left the dancing of the wedding reception to go and sit with his girl and talk to her.  His motive was to make sure that she knew that she is very beautiful, the object of his attention and affection, and his priority.

I wonder how each of these girls views this boyfriend's dedication to them.  I wonder if there is a difference.  I wonder if each of these girls feels incredibly valued by their boy. [In case you don't know, I believe that the man is responsible to ensure that his girl always feels incredibly valued, secure, and esteemed highly – because that is how love plays out.]

Not long before, the best man was giving his toast to the groom and the attendees.
FYI: Personally, I see this time as a time when the best man shares memories, portrays admirable characteristics, discusses why he believes in the marriage of the two, and speaks truth and blessing into their future.

This time was spent sharing a few brief memories of the past and fairly superficial statements about the two of them.  Did he mention anything about the intimacy the two shared?  No.  Did he share what makes them great together?  No.  Did he share anything that called the audience into the relationship?  No.  Maybe, I just have very high expectations of this responsibility, however I also believe that is shared is indicative of how this close friend saw the relationship play out.  If that's the case, where is the depth?

The day before, I felt relieved.  For probably the first time, I felt that God was allowing me to experience in my being what I've thought and struggled with for some time.  I began to feel alignment between what I felt should be done and where my heart was.

The day before, I stood there completely appalled.  This was totally out of character.  This girl that has always been the most considerate and sensitive person I know just lashes out at me over a non-issue.  But, while this was happening, I felt God telling me, "I know this hurts, but you need to experience this."  I was excited and disappointed at the same time.  I was excited because I felt my heart begin to come in line with my head.  I was hurt, because this alignment would likely mean that my relationship with this fantastic girl would dwindle and fade away.

The day before, I sat in God Lab and asked questions that I've been struggling with for far too long.  Do I believe that God has my best interested in mind?  Do I believe that God's way is better than my way?  What is the big deal with dating (and marrying) somebody that doesn't share the same fundamental spiritual beliefs?  How do I come to a place where both my heart and my head (what sounds right and others I respect say is right) are in line?  Why is there this constant struggle and anguish (every-day) between my emotions, what I think is right, what feels good/right, and how God's love and good-plan plays into everything?

After much discussion, I again understood why that it's so incredibly important for me to date and commit myself to somebody with very similar fundamental values and beliefs.  Not only are there differences to overcome throughout the relationship, but the most important thing for me couldn't be shared like I need it to be.  I need to be able to share how God is great, what God is doing in my life, how God relates to everything I do, and have that special girl get excited about these things, encourage me with the truth of God, be able to understand what I'm talking about, and move along with me whole-heartedly in pursuit of God.  These things that I desire so much cannot happen with this girl that has been closely involved in my life for some time.

I realized that evening that this girl and I would never be able to reach the level of intimacy that I would need to share with somebody I date (and then marry).  There would be a plateau because she doesn't get excited about the same things (spiritual) that I do.  I couldn't share things that are so defining about me.  I could count on her to encourage me in the direction I desire to go.

This understanding is very important, but of course, it leaves me scared.  I've never dated a girl that I could share my spiritual excitement with.  So, I've always been scared to let go of a girl so amazing in all other areas because I don't know what life will be like without her.  I'm scared that because this is best I've known that there isn't something better in my future.  I'm scared to trust that God is in control and that his ways are better than my ways.  I'm scared because I've never experienced better, so it's hard to believe that there is better.  I'm scared.  I struggle.  I waver, falafel, and am inconsistent.  (God, I need your guidance.)

The day before, I spent quite some time with this girl.  And, well, one of the things I love most is discussing life, truth, beliefs, spirituality, faith, opinions, etc.  So, after much apprehension, I proposed that we watch a brief Nooma video (009 – Bullhorn).  So, we did and it was great, but I left wondering – where are the tough life questions, those that cause change?  The discussion didn't contain excitement, conviction, passion or those things that I desire to see during a discussion.  On top of that, I believe my primary love language is physical touch.  So, I get distracted easily and tend to the practices of old.  Ultimately, I left that night confused and frustrated.

So today, where does this leave me?  It leaves in a place of understanding and struggle.  I must go forth and seek God first (Matt 6:33).  God has shown in many ways when I have lived my life this way, but now that I've let dating and the desire for a girl get in the way, life has been much less joy-filled.  God is changing me and moving my heart in alignment with what I understand to be truth.  I'm scared to trust God, but I'm excited to rest assured that my future is only going to be much more precious and amazing then the best days of now – of me holding on and attempting to control my life.  I know that giving up is the only way to win.  Why don't I do it?  Why do I want to claim victory rather than give that credit to God?  Why am I so selfish and inconsiderate?  Why, Why, Why?

"Why" doesn't matter; only what I'm going to do with the situation.  And the same goes for you, the reader.  Is there going to be change?  Am I going to believe that God's way is the best way?  Are my thoughts and actions going to demonstrate that?

I was asked this question by a friend of mine. I'm not sure how to best address this, but here goes.

Your question says "you" - meaning that you are asking me and not asking for the general population or even for you. As such, I can make a best attempt to answer that question. If you are looking for something more broad, then I doubt anything I have to say is useful.

Then I can answer very simply that in fact I cannot fully trust God with my life, that I don't truly give up on my own hopes, dreams, plans, and fears. Of course, that answer isn't very interesting. Fully and truly imply perfection which is something that I have not (and don't think I will) been able to do.

But the question you are asking is how do I choose to relinquish control over my destiny. And well, that's very easy. I've tried very hard to control my destiny and messed everything up. I'm a terrible chooser. And then on top of that, I manipulated many to no avail. So much work, effort, and everything for misery. Matt 6:33 comes in with a promise. Seek God first (his will and perfection) and God will take care of everything else. So what does that mean? It means that I don't seek my goals, dreams, hopes, etc anymore, but God. And the thing is that my own dreams and plans really aren't that great. Accomplishing the goals are not fulfilling. God actually has bigger, better, and more fun goals for me. He has a destiny that full of joy and fulfillment. Mine is merely theoretical and filled with expectations that aren't met. God never does not exceed expectations.

Finally, I am very trusting by nature. I'm not sure why. I am one who generally will look for the good intentions of a decision or situation. I will give people the "benefit of the doubt." I am nearly always instantly forgiving and with difficulty do I hold grudges. So, I recognize that by nature some things are much easier for me than others and then some things are much harder for me than for others.

Trust is easy. Pride is such a hindrance. Are not goals, dreams, etc only a manifestation of pride. What good are accomplishments expect for my glory? Can I do my own will and then give credit to God? Of course not, he was not in the action.

And, as I have been in God's will, life has been better than the greatest of my accomplishments. It's just so much better although difficult to learn humility and self-denial (both characteristics/disciplines we are learning about this week and last). But, what joy awaits.

You may have heard me say this before, but "you never know what is on the other side of obedience." This is something that I heard from somebody and I love it. Just obey God and let me take care of the rest. You don't know what that looks like but you can rest in knowing it is what is the best and what will make you the happiest.